Narcissists, those who are high enough on the spectrum to negatively affect theirs and others’ lives, are extremely manipulative people who will stop at no end to achieve what they want, regardless of who or what they hurt in the process. They will oftentimes hurt and destroy members of their own families.
Oftentimes, especially when you are born into that type of environment, you will not even know that you are experiencing narcissistic abuse. Never blame yourself for having this cluelessness. They groomed you to be that way.
When you discover that you have been negatively affected by this pathology, your knee-jerk reaction is probably going to be one of intense anger. With that in mind, I have something to say.
That anger is natural and it’s totally okay!
Knee-jerk reactions are called that for a reason. They are our immediate, oftentimes subconscious response to any given situation we may encounter in life. “Waking up” from your everyday existence only to realize what you were subjected to is hard, to say the least. It would take a saint not to feel angry at that shit.
You know what’s not okay, however?
Continuing to drown and wallow in that anger. In the grand scheme of things, you are only hurting yourself. For the most part, pathological narcissists have deep rooted feelings of self-hatred. As we all know, misery loves company. By living in anger, you are subjecting yourself to misery. Thus, they are indirectly achieving one of their goals: To make you feel as shitty as they feel.
I am not here to invalidate the anger of someone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, that is one of the best ways to continue perpetuating this already fucked up situation. What I am here for is to explain healthy ways to process it. When someone else hurts you, after the anger, there is often a STRONG desire for revenge.
Believe it or not, that desire for revenge is natural and it’s totally okay!
Life is often counter-intuitive. This means that in life, one must often do the exact opposite of what seems immediately logical in over to achieve any given end. Seeking revenge on a narcissist is no exception to this rule of thumb.
To get revenge on a narcissist, you need to stop seeking personal revenge against them. Now read that sentence three times over. It makes absolutely no fucking sense at first, does it?
Manipulation and control are the bread-and-butter of pathological narcissism. By being caught up in the cycle of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors, even after leaving the cycle of abuse, you are still being controlled by them. This means that the situation is different, but the feelings persist. You deserve better than that for yourself!
The key to getting back at the narcissist, without hurting yourself in the process is simple: Move on and live well. Be your best self, and live your best life! This is way easier said than done, but when applied properly, the effects are amazing. There is so much more to you than the hurt and pain you experienced at their hands.
Never forget your experiences, lest you “relapse” and fall back into the cycle all over again. Simultaneously, let go of the thoughts and feelings associated with those experiences. Your health will seriously improve due to this, I shit you not.
There is one major risk involved with the moving on and living well: The narcissist will go to war with you. This war will not immediately manifest. At first, when the parasite sees that you are starting to live well and doing just fine without them, they will try to reel you back in. This often takes the form of insincere apologies, random gifts, and showering you with pseudo-love. In desperation, they may even try to guilt trip you for enjoying your new life without them, because “all they ever did was love you”. It’s crazy, how someone can abuse you then project that bullshit onto you, but yes, it happens.
The war will begin when they truly realize that you are done with their bullshit, for good. When they realize they have no other way to have any form of control over you whatsoever. The levels they will sink to and the petty things they will do know absolutely no limits. Let me give you a few personal examples.
As I mentioned in my last blog post, I was raised by TWO narcissistic parents. They are engaging in war with me right now, as they have finally realized I am done with their neglectful, manipulative, and downright abusive ways. At twenty-four, I have had enough.
With my father, he is trying to indirectly war with me by engaging in the narcissistic smear campaign. What this means is, since he cannot control me, he is trying to control what others think of me. Lie after lie after lie. This is an absolutely pathetic thing to do to your own son, particularly after your other son committed suicide last year. Due (in large part) to our abusive upbringing, I might add.
While I have directly heard few of said lies, those few are enough for me to understand what is going on, combined with the knowledge that I have both seen and heard him do this to other people. In the end though, I could fucking care less whether or not anyone believes that nonsense. As the saying goes, those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. He is the one who has to go to sleep knowing that he is trying to destroy the reputation of his own son, whose only crime was choosing to move on from abuse and create a better life for himself. I, on the other hand, go to sleep every night with a smile on my face, knowing that these days, my life is literally better than I once believed was possible. The feeling is indescribable, and honestly, priceless.
With my mother, she is trying to directly war with me using my deceased brother as a weapon. Let me explain. There is a certain possession which belonged to my brother that I would like to have. It holds deep sentimental value for me, while it will also help answer several questions that I have in regards to my brother’s suicide last year.
Problem is, it is in my mother’s possession, as my brother lived with her at the end. She is refusing to give it to me, knowing how much I would like to have it. This is being done for no other reason than to be petty and vindictive. I have chosen to move on, and live a happy and healthy life. Despite being one of the major causes of my abusive upbringing, she refuses to accept that. She believes that by withholding the item from me, it gives her power, in a scenario where hers has all but ceased to exist. It really is incredibly fucked up, to withhold this souvenir in memory of my deceased brother, but, as I stated earlier, the pettiness of narcissistic people knows no bounds.
In relation to my mother, my knee-jerk reaction was anger. Then I proceeded to be mindful. Mindfulness made me realize:
- The anger is okay, and there is no need to beat myself up over it!
- The anger does not need to persist. Her pettiness is a reflection of her, not my brother and I!
- The pen is mightier than the sword! Writing about this, and documenting it, is more powerful than any damning action I may fantasize about taking in my weaker moments.
- She is the one who has to go to sleep knowing that she is trying to use my deceased brother’s possession to have power over me. In an odd way, I am thankful, because this whole scenario just reaffirms that removing her from my daily life was a good decision. There is NO reason to associate with someone so toxic that they would engage in this type of behavior.
All this being said, the war with a narcissist can continue for YEARS and keep you down, if you let it. Just keep in mind that counter-intuition is key. Pick yourself up, and go on living the life that you, as a badass, were meant to live. Always keep peace in your mind and love in your heart, knowing that, the narcissistic abusers are the exception of humanity, not the rule.
Ultimately, whether I get this item of my brother’s, which holds tremendous intrinsic value to me, remains to be seen. However, I have faith that this problem will solve itself in due time. On my part, all that can be done is continuing to recover and live my life. The rest of the pieces of this beautiful, yet bizarre puzzle, will fall into place.