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Reason for this blog…..

This is the post excerpt.

Welcome!

I’m new to this whole blogging scene, so just bear with me. As a man going through what could be viewed as enlightenment, I have learnt a lot of things. Particularly within the past two years. That being said, my goal with this blog is to help people who want to change their lives. I want to introduce you guys to new ways of thinking, feeling, and being. If you change your inner circumstances, then your outer ones change as well.

My goal is to use my personal experiences, and others I have heard of along the way, to help illustrate that we can transform! Life is not static. The only constant in this life is change, so why not reconcile with that fact?

I do not claim to be an “expert”, a very flexible term as it is. Sometimes, I may even cover topics or situations that I’m not the most knowledgeable on.

However, even if this situation presents itself, I will do my best to look at and interpret those hypothetical scenarios in new and creative ways. This I feel, is the key to being a creator in life as opposed to a bystander. Sometimes (maybe even often) we need to get off autopilot, and take control of the pace and direction that our life takes, instead of letting the opposite occur.

In seeing how this mindset is changing my own life for the better, I now realize that I possess an incredible ability. Through experience and inherent disposition, I can help manifest the change in others that they want in their respective lives.

However, always remember one thing: YOU have the power to change and improve. You possess everything you already need on the inside. I am just simply here using my own experience and acquired knowledge to prove that to you.

This is not just my goal with this blog. It is now one of my main goals in life. I’m going to give it everything I’ve got. After all, that is ALL I can truly do, right?

 

serenity

 

The Illusion of Time

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Control is something we all strive for, to some extent. As human beings, perhaps we could even say that self- mastery is an important, if not downright necessary requirement for living a good, fulfilling life. How can you make progress in life without some sort of hold on yourself and your environment?

The desire to be in charge of one’s existence is fueled by the ego, our sense of self. Without an ego, we would be reduced to walking masses of meat, as unflattering as that sounds. Even non-human animals have egos, it just manifests to a much lesser extent than their homo sapien counterparts (us).

The ego is largely ruled by the subconscious mind. This is that part of the mind that is below our level of moment-to-moment awareness. It can be accessed via mindfulness, meditation, among other things. It keeps your heart beating steadily, creates cells in your body, and perpetuates your regular thought patterns. All this without you even lifting a finger!

While the egos and subconscious minds of all human beings are different, there are some universal similarities. As previously mentioned, we ALL seek to have some sort of control over our lives. With this in mind, is there not some collective manifestation of our desire to regulate our existence? I believe there is: time.

Time is perhaps the most important extrinsic factor in regards to organizing interpersonal events. Just imagine, if man had not created time, how would we plan anything? Hypothetical:

Me: “Hey Justin, can I come over?”

Justin: “Sure bro, when?”

Me: Sometime between now and before we both die.”

All jokes aside, that is how vague things would be if it were not for units of time, a by-product of the concept itself. However, do we really control time, or does time control us?

There are three major periods of time that we use in correlation to our existence: the past, present, and future.

The past entails those events that we perceive as being chronologically “behind” us, given that time exists on a continuum. Past events are concrete, and cannot be changed.

The present is the time most of us perceive as now. It is open and up to interpretation, as it is currently happening. We can only ever objectively exist in the present.

The future is that cloudy period of time that has not yet occurred. It is the only of the three periods of time that cannot be observed, or recalled, as it has not happened yet.

The three periods of time have been identified by man to give us a collectively greater sense of control. Ironically, by subscribing to this theory, we surrender more control than we gain.

Have you ever heard of someone being a prisoner of their past? This  means the individual is suffering the effects of something that is no longer happening. As a result, their present is ruined. A good majority of depression stems from this.

The future is the mother of all uncertainty. People tend to cling to what they know, and by default, a lot of the future is unknown. Often, instead of accepting this, we rely on the past to predict the future. This (somewhat) unreliable tendency is where a lot of anxiety originates from.

We become depressed by living too much in the past, and anxious by living too much in the future. In the midst of all of this, we forget one crucial fact: Time as we know it does not objectively exist.

Yesterday, tomorrow. Last century, next decade. 5am, 5pm. These are all words and numbers invented by man. They describe periods of time, also invented by man.

The only time that exists outside of the mind is the present. As a matter of fact, the present is simply on one giant, never-ending continuum. Every moment since the dawn of time was at some point considered the present. In effect, the past, present and future all exist simultaneously!

Generally, humans create the future by living in the past, in the present moment. The huge flaw in this system: we miss the power of NOW. Despite only ever existing in the present, we let the past and future determine our current states and fates. Fuck that shit. Prison is supposed to be a place, not a way of being.

Practice being aware, and in the present moment. This can be achieved through mindfulness meditation. Bypass that egotistical part of you which seeks to control your life by categorizing it into units of time.

A mindful life is a good life. Let go of the theory of time, it is all in your mind. Carpe you some fucking Diem!

Loneliness

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Being an adult is great! It really and truly is. You have a level of freedom which you only dreamed of as a kid. This can be quite a powerful feeling. In the words of Uncle Ben from Spiderman (R.I.P. Stan Lee, a true fucking legend), “with great power comes great responsibility.”

Usually, once we become adults, we are more than ready to accept the freedom and power aspect of being grown, but we are hesitant to accept the responsibility that inevitably comes with the package. Clearly, we have not been absorbing the wisdom from the comic books we read in childhood…

The (potential) responsibilities of being an adult are endless: bills, children, employment, relationships, deadlines, maintaining your well-being, etc. Trying to keep up with all of this can be taxing, and downright time-consuming.

In life, if we spend excessive amounts of time merely trying to “stay afloat” in one aspect, we often “drown” in another aspect. This is frequently the case with interpersonal relationships, of any kind.

As an adult, you are usually expected to take care of your practical responsibilities before engaging in anything that gives you joy. Human beings are social creatures, so naturally, spending time and being with others (usually) gives us joy. Unfortunately, it is often that we are too busy or preoccupied to do so. This leads to disconnection.

When an individual feels disconnected from other people, their feelings often take a turn for the worst. One of the most prevalent feelings is one we have ALL experienced at some point: loneliness.

Loneliness is an odd, yet common phenomenon. It is odd in that no one feels lonely due to the exact same circumstances. It is common in that everyday scenarios induce lonely feelings, thus, we all know what it feels like.

However, what if I were to tell you that loneliness is a feeling we bring about on ourselves? What if loneliness is not the product of any objective situation? Obviously, with such a big claim I need to back my shit up with personal experience.

On October 4, 2017, I signed a lease to move into a one-bedroom apartment. No roommates, just myself! This was a new and exciting experience. Six days later, on October 10, 2017, my younger brother Frankie killed himself.

I moved into my new apartment the last week of October. Honestly, there was some worry. People I knew did not believe it to be wise to be living and spending so much time by myself after that personal tragedy occurred.

Let me tell you, living on my own less than a month after my brother killed himself was sometimes lonely. However, I experienced an incredible shift in perspective during this time.

Love is not constricted by the realms of space or time. It transcends ALL. True fucking shit. Once it became clear to me that Frankie and I were still brothers who shared a close bond, my feelings of loneliness evaporated. He even sent me a (undeniable) sign, on October 25, 2017. The person who helped me cope with Frankie’s suicide the most was Frankie. I am truly grateful for that.

One of the strongest factors in keeping me connected to my brother is transcendental meditation. Not only does it keep me connected to Frankie, it aids me in developing and maintaining an objective connection to ALL people and things in this universe (no, this does NOT mean you have to like everybody. Some people are just fucking assholes). Thus, transcendental meditation cured me of one of the root causes of loneliness: Feeling disconnected.

No, I am not saying meditation is the guaranteed cure for loneliness. However, I will say that it will help you go beyond your ego, which is where most (if not all) loneliness stems from.

I have lived on my own for over a year. With the exception of when I have female company over, I go to sleep “alone” in that dwelling every night. Never have I felt less lonely! It is all in your mind. You ARE the cure for any loneliness you feel. You are MORE than enough, you badass!

Feed your soul

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We as human beings tend to be very familiar with the concrete. By concrete, I do not specifically mean the material that is used to build roads. Observe everything physical around you, including your own body. Notice how you do not deny or even question the authenticity or existence of these physical things.

That is the meaning of concrete in this instance. That which is undeniable and apparent, often manifested physically. This can take on a philosophical sense as well, such as having rigid or inflexible views in regards to social issues.

As with everything else in this amazing universe, the concrete has its polar opposite. Young children, meditators, and oftentimes even drug users are in tune with this concept. The concept in question is the abstract.

Many people tend to be unfamiliar with the abstract. In contrast with how we view concrete things, abstract things manifest much less frequently in the physical realm. Therefore, we are much less likely to perceive them, unless we heighten our awareness.

Following the concrete standpoint, society conditions us to be “realistic”, and focus on what is already around, and to build up on it. Abstract thinking is often suppressed and devalued.

Why is becoming (re)acquainted with the abstract so frowned upon? I humbly speculate that it is for a myriad of reasons. However, one thing I know for certain: Losing touch with the abstract child within us all is becoming a major public health concern.

Have you ever witnessed a young child, playing with his toys, joyfully and without a care in the world? Assuming (if I dare to do so) you have, it is also likely you have seen them giving life to inanimate objects. That is, expressing qualities that are not an intrinsic part of the lifeless toys.

Imagination. This is the force that drives a child to give his toys names and backgrounds. This is what makes him have fun for hours in an empty room.

Generally, as we get older, we lose touch with our imaginative side. I think it is partly due to social norms, and partly due to the daily strain of life as you age. School, work, bills, deadlines, etc.

This is one of the reasons why drug use is so high (pun totally fucking intended). Adults often seek to reconnect with their intrinsic creativity, which society told them to put on the shelf a long time ago. An LSD trip, for example, is an amazing way to do this. Hallucinating on a controlled substance is the only way many people know how to see beyond the world they can visually perceive.

Lack of imagination leads to weakened abstract muscles. As a result, you usually only pay attention to what you can see with your eyes. This is part of what I believe makes blind people so fascinating. They judge beauty by souls, not faces.

Weakened abstract muscles often cause you to ignore some of the truly important things. As the saying goes, “what’s essential is invisible to the eye”.

Our stomachs are concrete. You can physically perceive them in multiple ways. As a result, we usually tend to them, especially when they groan with hunger……

However, one thing that we cannot (physically) perceive also needs to be fed: Our souls!

What you cannot see is just as important as what you can see (if not more so). Not feeding your soul can induce starvation just as much as ten days without food. One of the main manifestations of a starved soul is depression. I truly believe this is one of the main reasons that my younger brother killed himself last year. He may have ate three times a day, but he probably only fed his soul on a monthly basis (if at all) at the end of his life. I believe there should be more of a 1:1 ratio.

For every time you feed your body during a day, try feeding your soul too! Everyone does this differently. Find a hobby or passion, or pick up an old one, and make daily time for it, even if only briefly. A well-nourished soul can grow to do incredible things. If you do not believe me, try this shit out for yourself, and get back to me in a year. I would very much enjoy hearing about your growth and progress!

Gratitude

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Once upon a time, psychologists believed all humans had a “happiness set point.” What this means is that it was once thought that the overall well-being of any given individual depended on their inherit disposition and could not be changed. Basically, a “happy” person would usually be content and in good spirits, and an unhappy person would normally feel grouchy and perpetually malcontent. Many of us fall somewhere in the middle on the happy/unhappy spectrum.

In a nutshell, the former belief was that we as humans were victims of our overall mood patterns from birth. I have also read that even when including major life traumas, such as disease or divorce, our disposition tends to “drift” back to its original state after three or so months.

Of course, this logic has long since proven to be false. For one, I think we all know someone who (understandably) was forever altered after the death of a loved one. It is often described as “they were just never the same.”

On a more positive note, I am sure many of us have also met one of those blessed individuals who suffered an immense personal loss or tragedy, yet ultimately turned it into a “synthetic triumph.” We often label these individuals “enlightened”.

What separates these two groups of people? Why does one group let their shitty experiences make them, while the other group lets their calamities break them?

To be honest, that is a difficult question which does not have one specific answer. Much of it has its roots in neuroscience. However, I am not here to explain the functioning of the hippocampus, amygdala, or any of the other structures in that fascinating organ between our ears.

Let us shift this from more of a “brain issue” to more of a “mind issue”.

In my own life, my personal tragedies broke me, until I began using a special mind trick which has changed me forever, in addition to helping me heal from my former demons and traumas.

On a less egotistical note, this same “trick” has been used by MANY people, since the beginning of mankind. It has its roots in the mind, and nearly all content and healthy souls in the world employ it.

This trick is called gratitude. A grateful mind is not one in denial. A grateful mind can take all the good AND bad, and make the best of it. A grateful mind can reframe traumas and thus grow as a result. This manifests in a healthier brain, and a better overall life.

I have kept a gratitude journal for almost a year. For about four months, during this past summer and fall, I did not write in it. This was during my “creativity rut” which I mentioned in my last post. This was after writing in it almost daily for nearly five or so months.

When the habit resumed, two months ago, I could feel myself blossoming after months of stagnancy. The high you experience from focusing on what you are grateful for and writing it down is incredible!

Paradoxically, the most growth and improvement I noticed was when I began being grateful for my negative experiences. It threatened my ego when I first challenged myself to do this. How could I be grateful for my brother’s suicide? How could I be grateful for the malignant narcissistic abuse from my father growing up? Fuck that shit.

However, my ego was shocked when it began to heal. I realized: I am not grateful that my younger brother killed himself, but I am grateful for what I have learned as a result. I am not grateful for the abuse my siblings and I endured due to our father. I am grateful that I now know what a toxic person is, and how to avoid and remove them from my life.

Many people in this world would be completely fucked without gratitude, myself included. It can help be a healing power in your life too. That is my challenge to you, you badass. Manifest gratitude!

31 Days of Writing Rampage!

I’m back!

After a several months hiatus since my last blog post, I am now back and stronger than ever. This past summer, I hit what I will call a “creativity rut”.

Normally, ruts are associated with depressive states. That was not the case with me. However, my creativity hit a stagnant point, and I could not figure out what the fuck was wrong!

After much soul-searching (a never ending process), I identified several factors that may have been contributing to my temporary lack of progress: Spending time with unhealthy people (both attitude and lifestyle), focusing too much on trivial things, and trying to do too much at once.

Of the three main factors which I believe withheld the manifestation of my Renaissance Soul, trying to do too much at once was the prominent problem.

With this in mind, I have taken a step back and allowed myself to breathe. Meditation, gratitude, faith, patience and exercise have helped me rededicate myself to my ultimate cause: To help people overcome their obstacles and traumas to manifest their inner badass and best lives!

Obviously, this cannot be done by simply meditating in my apartment and writing in my gratitude journal every night. Nor can this be accomplished by only divulging to my closest friends and confidants.

As a result of all of this, I have decided to challenge and strengthen my creativity muscles by embarking on my own unique challenge. My 31 Days of Writing Rampage!

Each day this month, starting today and including Christmas, I will make a post. They will potentially cover anything from my brother’s suicide, to the time I had eight pistols pointed at me, to “divorcing” my poisonous narcissistic parents, to wrecking a car at 75+mph, to the death of my first college roommate, to my shenanigans with the opposite sex, literally anything!

Wish me luck, as this will help me in fulfilling my life’s goals and passions, one step at a time. Also, this exercise will aid me in the completion of my book, “8 Pistols”. Thank you for reading, and I send good vibes to you all.

The Power Of Accountability

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Remember getting timeout in kindergarten, when you acted unruly in class?

Remember getting detention in the fifth grade when you didn’t do your homework for four nights in a row?

Remember kids getting suspended in junior high for pantsing each other?

Better yet, remember the kid in high school who got expelled for having some reefer in his car? As ridiculous as that is………

Whether these events happened to you, or you knew someone they happened to, all share one common theme: Someone was held accountable for what they did.

Ironically, while it seems that growing up, we are often held accountable for what we do, in the classroom anyway, it seems that teaching one to practice self-accountability is rare.

There seems to be a collective trend in regards to accountability that is taking place in our society, and our world in general. No one wants to hold themselves accountable for anything! Unless it glorifies them that is……

We live in a culture, and by extension, world, which seems to glamorize victimhood. No matter where you look, movements are popping up left and right which almost seem to collectively celebrate being the “victim” of one happening or another.

Let me clarify: There is NOTHING wrong with identifying something or someone who victimized you. That is the best way to ensure it never happens again! Hell, I often point out being victimized throughout my childhood (often discreetly) by two parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The key difference lies in belief and attitude. If you believe you are a victim, the attitude that often follows is one of helplessness and hopelessness. A “pathological victim” often feels stuck, like a man sinking in quicksand.

If you believe you have been/were victimized, oftentimes, there are feelings of hope and empowerment. While you will probably believe (rightfully so) that life may have dealt you a bad hand, you also will see the tremendous opportunity for growth and self-development. It all boils down to a simple mind shift.

Thinking you are a victim is present tense. Basically, in the present moment, you keep thinking, and thus, experiencing the same limiting reality over and over and over.

Believing you WERE victimized is past tense, meaning you are slowly, but surely, freeing yourself from the chains that once bound you. Even if the victimizing situation continues in your outer world, changing your inner mindset already gives you the ability and awareness to escape it and put it behind you.

In other words, break your addiction to a limiting present, and make way for a liberating future.

How, you might ask, can this be done? Admittedly, it can indeed be quite difficult at first. Hold YOURSELF accountable for your life and your circumstances. This is an unpopular concept these days. Oftentimes, telling people to be self-accountable is termed “victim blaming” by the ignorant people who claim to have good intentions…….

It is not “victim blaming” to tell someone to accept the consequences of their decisions, even if they were not foreseen. It is not “victim blaming” to tell someone to quit using their life experiences to justify their unhappiness or misery. This is where true empowerment begins!

Self-accountability yields to empowerment. Realize that not every facet of your life is your fault, but it damn well is your responsibility. When you hold YOURSELF accountable for any and all aspects of your life, you gain the willpower and ability to change them.

Self-accountability helped me:

  • Lose 50 pounds
  • Manifest gratitude and peace of mind after my brother’s suicide
  • Stop letting my past destroy my present
  • Realize all true change begins intrinsically
  • Start my life over……. entirely

Playing the victim is overrated. While feeling sorry for yourself may feel good temporarily, its effects if perpetuated can be DEVASTATING in the long run. Never forget your experiences, but understand their effects on you are completely within YOUR power to change. Self-accountability may be hard, but it will make your life MUCH easier. I speak from a lot of fucking experience.

 

 

 

Revenge And War With A Narcissist

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Narcissists, those who are high enough on the spectrum to negatively affect theirs and others’ lives, are extremely manipulative people who will stop at no end to achieve what they want, regardless of who or what they hurt in the process. They will oftentimes hurt and destroy members of their own families.

Oftentimes, especially when you are born into that type of environment, you will not even know that you are experiencing narcissistic abuse. Never blame yourself for having this cluelessness. They groomed you to be that way.

When you discover that you have been negatively affected by this pathology, your knee-jerk reaction is probably going to be one of intense anger. With that in mind, I have something to say.

That anger is natural and it’s totally okay!

Knee-jerk reactions are called that for a reason. They are our immediate, oftentimes subconscious response to any given situation we may encounter in life. “Waking up”  from your everyday existence only to realize what you were subjected to is hard, to say the least. It would take a saint not to feel angry at that shit.

You know what’s not okay, however?

Continuing to drown and wallow in that anger. In the grand scheme of things, you are only hurting yourself. For the most part, pathological narcissists have deep rooted feelings of self-hatred. As we all know, misery loves company. By living in anger, you are subjecting yourself to misery. Thus, they are indirectly achieving one of their goals: To make you feel as shitty as they feel.

I am not here to invalidate the anger of someone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, that is one of the best ways to continue perpetuating this already fucked up situation. What I am here for is to explain healthy ways to process it. When someone else hurts you, after the anger, there is often a STRONG desire for revenge.

Believe it or not, that desire for revenge is natural and it’s totally okay!

Life is often counter-intuitive. This means that in life, one must often do the exact opposite of what seems immediately logical in over to achieve any given end. Seeking revenge on a narcissist is no exception to this rule of thumb.

To get revenge on a narcissist, you need to stop seeking personal revenge against them. Now read that sentence three times over. It makes absolutely no fucking sense at first, does it?

Manipulation and control are the bread-and-butter of pathological narcissism. By being caught up in the cycle of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors, even after leaving the cycle of abuse, you are still being controlled by them. This means that the situation is different, but the feelings persist. You deserve better than that for yourself!

The key to getting back at the narcissist, without hurting yourself in the process is simple: Move on and live well. Be your best self, and live your best life! This is way easier said than done, but when applied properly, the effects are amazing. There is so much more to you than the hurt and pain you experienced at their hands.

Never forget your experiences, lest you “relapse” and fall back into the cycle all over again. Simultaneously, let go of the thoughts and feelings associated with those experiences. Your health will seriously improve due to this, I shit you not.

There is one major risk involved with the moving on and living well: The narcissist will go to war with you. This war will not immediately manifest. At first, when the parasite sees that you are starting to live well and doing just fine without them, they will try to reel you back in. This often takes the form of insincere apologies, random gifts, and showering you with pseudo-love. In desperation, they may even try to guilt trip you for enjoying your new life without them, because “all they ever did was love you”. It’s crazy, how someone can abuse you then project that bullshit onto you, but yes, it happens.

The war will begin when they truly realize that you are done with their bullshit, for good. When they realize they have no other way to have any form of control over you whatsoever. The levels they will sink to and the petty things they will do know absolutely no limits. Let me give you a few personal examples.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I was raised by TWO narcissistic parents. They are engaging in war with me right now, as they have finally realized I am done with their neglectful, manipulative, and downright abusive ways. At twenty-four, I have had enough.

With my father, he is trying to indirectly war with me by engaging in the narcissistic smear campaign. What this means is, since he cannot control me, he is trying to control what others think of me. Lie after lie after lie. This is an absolutely pathetic thing to do to your own son, particularly after your other son committed suicide last year. Due (in large part) to our abusive upbringing, I might add.

While I have directly heard few of said lies, those few are enough for me to understand what is going on, combined with the knowledge that I have both seen and heard him do this to other people. In the end though, I could fucking care less whether or not anyone believes that nonsense. As the saying goes, those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. He is the one who has to go to sleep knowing that he is trying to destroy the reputation of his own son, whose only crime was choosing to move on from abuse and create a better life for himself. I, on the other hand, go to sleep every night with a smile on my face, knowing that these days, my life is literally better than I once believed was possible. The feeling is indescribable, and honestly, priceless.

With my mother, she is trying to directly war with me using my deceased brother as a weapon. Let me explain. There is a certain possession which belonged to my brother that I would like to have. It holds deep sentimental value for me, while it will also help answer several questions that I have in regards to my brother’s suicide last year.

Problem is, it is in my mother’s possession, as my brother lived with her at the end. She is refusing to give it to me, knowing how much I would like to have it. This is being done for no other reason than to be petty and vindictive. I have chosen to move on, and live a happy and healthy life. Despite being one of the major causes of my abusive upbringing, she refuses to accept that. She believes that by withholding the item from me, it gives her power, in a scenario where hers has all but ceased to exist. It really is incredibly fucked up, to withhold this souvenir in memory of my deceased brother, but, as I stated earlier, the pettiness of narcissistic people knows no bounds.

In relation to my mother, my knee-jerk reaction was anger. Then I proceeded to be mindful. Mindfulness made me realize:

  1. The anger is okay, and there is no need to beat myself up over it!
  2. The anger does not need to persist. Her pettiness is a reflection of her, not my brother and I!
  3. The pen is mightier than the sword! Writing about this, and documenting it, is more powerful than any damning action I may fantasize about taking in my weaker moments.
  4. She is the one who has to go to sleep knowing that she is trying to use my deceased brother’s possession to have power over me. In an odd way, I am thankful, because this whole scenario just reaffirms that removing her from my daily life was a good decision. There is NO reason to associate with someone so toxic that they would engage in this type of behavior.

All this being said, the war with a narcissist can continue for YEARS and keep you down, if you let it. Just keep in mind that counter-intuition is key. Pick yourself up, and go on living the life that you, as a badass, were meant to live. Always keep peace in your mind and love in your heart, knowing that, the narcissistic abusers are the exception of humanity, not the rule.

Ultimately, whether I get this item of my brother’s, which holds tremendous intrinsic value to me, remains to be seen. However, I have faith that this problem will solve itself in due time. On my part, all that can be done is continuing to recover and live my life. The rest of the pieces of this beautiful, yet bizarre puzzle, will fall into place.

 

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